sorry, been jerking you around

the subject line sums it up. all my previous posts just an attempt to shine while it's all dark. no more trying. it is or it isn't. hug.

Did you die for this?

Joel Osteen's Credo: Eliminate the Negative, Accentuate Prosperity - New York Times

Did you die for this Jesus?

waiting for the sun

Hey Jesus

Waitin to break out of this self-prescribed prison of my mind. More often than not am stuck inside, looking out and whining and pining. Allowing to be cowed by the depression, which follows and every Yes just lip service. Can’t seem to find the exact line of depth to anchor myself on the road. Knowin the path and walkin the path. Big difference. I’ve known this road since I was so high. But walkin has always been my problem. A natural reluctance to take on burdens and a barricade of intelligence to skewer any pitch that would point the way out. Stuck with the notion of sounding good and looking good with little care given to actually being good. In the jargon of the season that would require a quantum leap from my current pseudo self discovery run. And care and love just look good images for the roadside carnival. Beat my chest and cry – woe? Postures abound lord but once the emotion passes its back to same ole self drivel.

Clarity (understanding) is something which is far from me. Easier to slap on the freeze dried deductions of ‘thus’ and ‘hence’ to physical phenomena and build a self illusion of acceptance on ‘this is how the world works’.

Pushin mind, is hard. Strength of spirit I need sir. Give me the strength required. Traveller portions. Light on knapsack, nutritious to the belly. Our daily cash.

RFID and WiMax mash ups on the way lord. More portents of exclusion zones of those who refuse to accept the current interpretation of how a planet should be run. I guess you still blind to your ETA. I try to bite the wisdom of it, but patience fails me lord. We want you here and we want it now!

My line played out, my confidence in your return hijacked to mercenary self indulgence. I guess I better tighten my belt and guess-ti-bet your return within the next 1000 years or else I would lose all hope.

Are these the dark days lord? It’s been dark since you’ve been gone and we seem to be slipping into a deeper dark with every passing year as we mechanize our lives into the illusion of prosperity.

When you comin lord? To strip away all the lies? Just hunker down and bide my time peforming good works or shall I carve my very own battlezone? I have scant respect for myself which makes it all the more harder – some would say the self diss is totally stupid and in their shoes I am apt to agree. But then, I am forever flitting around in every other perspective ‘cept my own. More abrogation of my own self and then hypocritically I wonder at others, unseeing my own contradictions when it drags me into a war of words that invariably ends with me accepting a – ‘Fuck it. What’s the use?’.

What do you have to say about that lord? Waitin for your daybreak.

world peace

Hey Jesus

Was remembering Morgan Freeman playin God in Bruce Almighty and Jim Carrey telling him that he wanted to pray for world peace and MF saying that was an answer expected of beauty pageant chicks.

I’m kinda shy about breaking out my dirty linen in public so I’ll stick with world peace. Hmmm, that’s not it, its more like I’m not too comfortable about praying for private things on a public blog. Closet prayer. Whew! Was feelin guilty about not being completely open out here on the edge of the net-iverse but closet prayer is good enough for personal stuff and world peace is good enough for public blogs.

World peace sounds like a fluff dream lord, especially when you look at the warring factions. Grant us wisdom to yearn for peace with all our hearts. Grant us light to dispel the despairing dark. And if we are talking about world peace lord I want to quote a prayer that I love dearly, I don’t think there is a better prayer than that one yet (If I find any you’ll be the first to know):

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country (planet) awake

I thank you for the author of this poem. Hammered home the lesson that knowledge is free. That the world need not be broken into fragments, that tireless striving is all it takes, that your love for us overflows day in day out.

Bless my planet lord.

PS: I loooove Morgan Freeman’s work.

repentance

Hey Jesus,

Another good morning. Of course, all mornings are good and me the sodden fool who doesn’t recognize them. Right now though? Hmmm…I can feel the drag of weightier matters trying to press down in a semblance of legitimacy but I know the feel of that illegal wrap around sucker too well. So am just goin to coast along in your freedom, constrained and waiting for the break to barrel outta control into your glory. Mmmmm.

I guess you could call that a fool’s mission? Hmmm….actually I have no idea what you would call it but I can definitely tell you that in some quarters of your apostleship here on earth circa 2006 they are definitely goin to rip this apart and call it fools’ gold. Now you tell me, do you agree or don’t?

Funny, I spent so many years looking for a sheen of legitimate approval to all my actions that would at one blow silence the critics here and win approval in your eyes. Now that was a fool’s errand if there ever was one.

Good morning Jesus, you have a great day. Mmmmmaaaaaaahhhhhhh.

temptation

Hey Jesus,

Paulo Coelho said – the warrior of light is ever ready to plunge into the river of passions. I, tho’ would like to be counted among the warriors, am filled with dark. Temptation is something which sounds so archaic in this 21^st century since your arrival. It arrives on wings of suggestive seductiveness. And asks me to postpone coming home to your face for another day while I indulge in this or that pleasure along the way. Usually I fail lord. And wander off road – at times with the fixative stare of a demon who is hell bent on proving his own evil.

But now I listen for the drum beats, hidden under the jungle throb of our concrete lives. If I am coming home for me, I will never make it. If I am coming home because of you I will never see your face. I can only come for my dream, which you have spitted and roasted and salted away in your cellars of eternity. And my friends. And my loves.

hypocrisy

Hey Jesus

Writing a prayer blog is kinda like working at cross purposes. A personal blog shared with the public has certain elements of ‘closedness’ to it. We don’t say every little itsy bitsy thing out loud. Especially the things which are unflattering and in some cases downright evil on our part.

When I look at myself in the mirror of your wisdom I don’t see anything which resembles anything likeable. With our burden of cupboard skeletons and a reticent will to seek perfection, our prayers become that much more hollow. More lovelessness lord. I like to think that I hate hypocrisy – so when I see that in me it becomes all the more damning and deserving of your wrath.

Fighting off my weaknesses lord is a constant uphill struggle. I resolve to correct something and my mind snickers. And then as if to prove my mind right I go ahead and do the thing that I swore off. And regular as clockwork follows the guilt. I take refuge in your blood to quell the accusing within and Praise God! It works! But that just silences the accusation. It still doesn’t touch my diseased will. Should I next ask and claim healing? I ask lord. Claiming seems so alien. It is your pleasure to give and also your pleasure to withhold.

Amen.